


The Ultimate Crossover

by kronette



Category: Star Trek: Deep Space Nine, Star Trek: The Next Generation, Star Trek: The Original Series
Genre: Bad Puns, F/M, Humor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-01-02
Updated: 2013-01-02
Packaged: 2017-11-23 08:10:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 13,060
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/619939
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kronette/pseuds/kronette
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>This story contains bad characterization, bad puns, stereotypes, and I wouldn't be surprised if Shatner himself told me to 'get a life.'</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Ultimate Crossover

**Author's Note:**

> Originally posted in 1995.

"Stardate 4889.4. The Enterprise is charting an unknown star system outside of Federation space. We have intercepted several subspace communications, so we assume there is intelligent life here. We hope to make contact."

Captain James T. Kirk flicked off the log entry and settled back in his chair. He glanced around the bridge; Uhura was scanning for further subspace communications, Spock was fascinated by the cluster of asteroids they had just passed; and Chekov and Sulu were having a spirited discussion of last night's play while keeping an eye on the sensors. Kirk smiled. "Well, everyone, if nothing exciting happens, I'll be in my quarters. That play last night really wore me out." He rose out of his chair, ignoring the snickers coming from Sulu and Chekov.

Uhura glanced at him as he waited for the turbolift, raising her eyebrows slightly. He winked at her as the lift arrived, and he stepped inside. He asked for sickbay though, not his quarters. He held his head as he walked in, sending Bones off in a laughing fit.

"Oh, Jim, you overdid it again, didn't you?" he scolded between laughs. Kirk shot him a dirty look, asking, "Bones, do you have anything for this headache or not? That Romulan Ale really packed a punch."

Bones, still laughing, went over to his supply cabinet and retrieved a hypo. "I already had it prepared. I knew half a bottle would punish you. When will you listen to doctor's orders?" he asked as he hissed the hypo into his arm.

Kirk rolled his shoulders, feeling the headache disappear. "I'll listen to you. But not until I'm an Admiral."

McCoy had just gotten his breath when Kirk said that, and it sent him off again. "The day you become an Admiral is the day I retire. You'll never listen to me, no matter how much I complain."

"Captain, we are receiving a welcoming message from the fourth planet in this system. Please report to the bridge," Uhura's voice called throughout the ship.

Kirk clicked the intercom in sickbay. "On my way," he replied, walking out of sickbay.

"That's a fine thank you," Bones huffed, then went back to his work.

\---

"Captain to the bridge!" Commander William T. Riker ordered into the intercom. The Enterprise had been patrolling the Demilitarized Zone, unprepared for the sudden attack of the Maquis ships.

"Number One, what is it?" Captain Jean-Luc Picard asked as he strode onto the bridge, glancing at the viewscreen.

"The Maquis sir. They caught us in a surprise attack," Riker briefed him.

"I have ascertained that the ships originated from one of the moons. There are seven ships, all with photon and phaser capabilities," Lieutenant Commander Data chimed in.

"Wonderful. Signal the Maquis ships, Mr. Worf," Picard ordered.

"Sir, no response from any ship. They are continuing their attack. Our shields are holding," Lieutenant Worf informed him.

"Open a channel to them. Maquis ships. This is Jean-Luc Picard, Captain of the Enterprise. Why have you attacked us?" he asked.

"No response, sir," Worf reported.

\---

"Damn! They're still on our tail," Major Kira Nerys announced, cutting the runabout hard to stern. She and Lieutenant Jadzia Dax were in the Orinoco and Doctor Julian Bashir and Chief Miles O'Brien were in the Rio Grande. They had been patrolling their end of the Demilitarized Zone when they were caught in the crossfire between two Maquis ships and a Cardassian freighter.

"Major, who should we fire at?" O'Brien asked over the commlink.

"I have no idea. They're all firing on us, so return fire to whoever fires on you," she ordered, firing phasers.

"This is insane. They won't listen to our hails," Dax replied as the runabout shook. "Shields down to 73%."

"Let's nuke 'em," Kira said, a glint in her eye. Dax smiled and fired photon torpedoes.

\---

"Shields down to 62%," Bashir announced as O'Brien fired a photon at one of the Maquis ships.

The ship slowed down and O'Brien shouted gleefully. "That'll teach 'em," he said with a smile. "Their shields are collapsing. Looks like they've already seen too much phaser activity. They'll be out of it for awhile," he said.

"Here comes the Cardassian ... " Bashir got out before the Rio Grande shook. "We're losing shields. We need to get out of here, Chief," he insisted.

"No shit, Sherlock," O'Brien muttered. "Major, we're about to lose shields. Any chance of outrunning them?" he asked.

"Chief, this isn't a good time," Dax answered as Bashir and O'Brien heard a blast and machinery exploding over the link.

"Bloody hell," O'Brien cursed as he trained the sensors on the other runabout. "Their inertial dampners are failing and their shields are on the verge of collapse. They're not going to make it."

"Can we beam them over here?" Bashir asked.

"No. Not with both our shields up, and the minute we lower them, we're sitting ducks."

"Then how about tricking the other ships?" Bashir suggested, and outlined his plan.

"Guys, could you hurry it up over there?" Kira called. "This ship's breaking up."

"Major, plot a course for the Badlands. Head there as fast as you can. We'll catch up with you there. O'Brien out." He checked the sensors again, and his calculations. "This better work, Julian, or we're all dead."

"It will work, Chief," Bashir replied confidently. "It has to," he said quieter, shooting O'Brien a look out of the corner of his eye.

\---

"Play the message. Did they say who they are?" Kirk asked Uhura as he stepped onto the bridge.

"Yes, sir," Uhura answered both his questions. A greyish reptilian face in grey clothing appeared on the grey main view screen.

"Welcome to the Cardassian system. I am Gul Elim, extending greetings on behalf of the Central Command. We bid you peace, and ask that you identify yourselves."

"Fascinating," Spock observed, lifting an eyebrow.

"Spock, has any other ship recorded meeting with these Cardassians before?" Kirk asked, unable to tear his gaze away from the ghoulish face on the screen.

"Negative. No reports of any ship near this system encountering any life forms. This is our first contact," Spock replied.

Kirk's eyes widened in delight. "Uhura, can you ... opena channel on ... theirfrequency?" he asked, growing excited.

She rolled her eyes. "Yes, sir. Channel open."

"This is Captain James T. Kirk, of the United Federation of Planets. We are honored to meet you."

The viewscreen changed, and a live version of Gul Elim appeared. "Captain Kirk. We are honored as well. To what do we owe this pleasant surprise?" he inquired politely.

"We're on a mission to chart this sector of space. It was purely chance that we encountered you, Gul Elim," Kirk replied, studying the other man's face.

Elim smiled ingratiatingly. "Yes, it was most fortunate. Tell me, how did you come to know of us?"

"Keptin, an unknown wessel is approaching. Varp 3," Chekov hissed.

Kirk's eyes narrowed. "Is that one of your ships, Gul Elim?" he inquired.

"Yes. It is your escort to Cardassia Prime. If you will just follow it, we will greet you properly on our planet, as our guests," Elim smoothly replied.

As the ship loomed larger, Kirk grew apprehensive. This was a larger ship than the Enterprise, and as it neared the ship, it grew even larger and more menacing. "Thank you, but an escort won't be necessary... "

Elim waved his hand dismissively. "I insist. Just follow our escort into Cardassian space, and... "

Kirk was thrown to the floor as the other ship fired. "What are you doing? We come in peace," he yelled, only to be drown out by the sound of his ship being attacked.

"Shoot to kill!" he ordered.

\---

"Maquis ships, I repeat, why are you firing on us?" Picard demanded.

The answer was a photon torpedo aimed directly at a warp nacelle. "Helm, hard to port," he ordered as the ship shook. Everyone leaned to the right. "I said _port_ damn it," Picard hissed, and everyone shifted to their left.

"Shields down to 60% in left nacelle, but holding," Worf announced.

"Fire phasers at lead ship, Mr. Worf," Picard ordered.

Worf grinned. "Direct hit. Minor damage to shields."

"Fire at will," Picard ordered, glancing up just in time to see Worf draw his phaser. "No! Worf, I meant, fire at the ships as much as you like," he explained.

"Oh." Worf holstered his phaser, disappointment in his eyes. "Firing at the ships, sir."

Picard watched the dark sky light up with red phaser fire and photon torpedoes.

\---

"Scotty, we need more power to the shields," Kirk pleaded into the intercom.

"Captain, the dilithium crystals canna take anymore. We'd best make a run for it, before the shields collapse," Scotty said in his Scottish drawl.

"Sulu, take us out of here, I don't care where," Kirk ordered. "Chekov, how are we holding up?"

Chekov was pushing buttons frantically. "Shields are down to 57%, but holding. Ve have hit the other ship numerous times, but ve seem to have no effect on it."

Kirk looked up, puzzled. "What? No ... effect?" He turned to Spock. "Howis this ... possible?" he asked, waving his arms wildly.

Spock looked up from the readouts. "I'm afraid, Captain, that the Cardassian ship contains excessive fire power, much more powerful than our own. Fascinating," he said, looking over the Captain's shoulder.

Kirk spun around, wondering what had caused his first officer to ignore him. "Chekov, where are we?" Kirk whispered, watching the nebula shimmer with color around the ship.

"I do not know, Keptin. All sensors are non-functional," he replied helplessly.

"What I wouldn't give for a fully functional machine," Kirk muttered. "Spock. What is...that?"

"It appears to be some sort of plasma storm. We are heading directly for it, as is the Cardassian ship," Spock replied.

The Cardassian ship continued firing at them as it followed them into the storm.

\---

"Helm, take us into the Badlands. It's our only hope," Picard cried. His beautiful ship was being damaged by the Maquis ships, and he knew they didn't accept surrender.

"Mr. Data, what's our status?" Riker asked.

"We are currently entering a section of space known as the Badlands, named so because of its history of plasma storms. Six Maquis ships are attempting to follow us, but the plasma charges are causing problems with their impulse engines. I am picking up other ships in this area, two Federation Runabouts, two more Maquis ships and a Cardassian freighter. The Cardassian freighter is carrying one point five rects of retroviral vaccines and biomemetic gels, suggested use: the making of biogenic weapons. The high concentration of plasma, combined with the heavy phaser fire, is making the space in this area unstable, and it is quite possible that a ship from another time could pass through a rift in the space-time continuum," Data summarized.

Picard glanced up. "Oh, I'm sorry Mr. Data. Did you say something?" He looked to Riker, who just shrugged.

"I said, we are currently entering a section of space known as the Badlands, named so because... " Data began again.

"Thank you, Mr. Data. I remember. Are we sufficiently hidden?" Picard asked.

A photon torpedo exploded in front of them, the bright light almost blinding.

"I guess not," Riker quipped, picking himself up off the floor.

\---

"Spock, what was that?" Kirk asked, rubbing his eyes.

Spock looked up from his readout, eyebrow lifted. "I believe it was an opening in the space-time continuum, caused by the intense phaser fire in this area of space."

"In English, Spock," Kirk pleaded.

"It appears we have traveled through time, into the 24th Century, Captain," Spock announced calmly.

"What? Are you saying we just leaped into the future?" Kirk asked, turning to the rest of his crew. "Do you believe this guy? Making us think we just traveled through time," he started to laugh.

\---

"I knew it would work," Bashir said smugly.

O'Brien rolled his eyes. "And how did you  _know_ it would work?" he asked exasperatedly.

Bashir folded his arms. "Because, even though you have 20-odd years experience on me, I  _still_ outrank you." O'Brien advanced on him, backing him up against a rock. "What?" he squeaked.

"Mention that one more time to me, and I'll have your head on a bloody platter, got it?" O'Brien hissed in his face.

Bashir gulped. "Got it, Chief. Let's see if we can locate Kira and Jadzia," he changed the subject hastily.

O'Brien backed down. "Not a bad idea. For once," he glared at Bashir. "Where's the tricorder?" he asked.

Bashir lowered his eyes guiltily. "Well, I was wondering what kind of fuel the Maquis ships were using, so I trained the tricorder to read their impulse ... " O'Brien grabbed him by the front of his uniform. "Where is it?" he asked menacingly.

He gulped. "Uh, it's in the runabout, but it won't read ... " he called after O'Brien, tearing through the trees back to the runabout. "Fine. Don't listen to me. No one else does around here," he grumbled.

O'Brien returned, fiddling with the tricorder. "What did you do to this thing?" he asked incredulously. "It's picking up a class M planet a star system away!"

"I just retuned it, Chief. I could show you how, if you like," he said, blushing modestly.

"No, thanks. How do you reconfigure it to pick up local things, smart-aleck?" O'Brien waved the tricorder at him.

"Uh ... " Bashir looked pointedly at the ground.

"Uh-huh. I thought so. So, since this is useless, and we know Kira and Dax landed here, we'll just wait for them," O'Brien announced, looking hungrily at the fruit hanging from a strange tree. He picked a violet hexagonal-shaped one and polished it on his shirt.

"I wouldn't eat that," Bashir warned, his eyes wide.

"Oh? And why not? You can identify poisonous unknown vegetation now too?" O'Brien asked sarcastically.

"No. The rather large beast behind you seems to want it," Bashir said as he backed up into the forest.

O'Brien threw the fruit over his shoulder and dashed for the trees, Bashir already way ahead of him.

\---

"Dax, I'm tired of walking. How far away are Bashir and O'Brien?" Kira complained, sitting down on a rock.

Dax sighed. "They're only 4 kilometers east of here, Kira. I thought you'd be used to exercise by now."

Kira glared at her. "What's that supposed to mean?" she asked, getting off the rock and walking over to Dax.

She smiled. "Oh, I've just heard some rumors about you and Bareil, that's all," she replied, waving her hand dismissively.

"What rumors?" Kira asked, a blush creeping up her neck.

Dax just smiled. ---

O'Brien leaned against a tree, breathing heavily. "We're lost! We have no idea where we are, now do we?" O'Brien bellowed sarcastically.

Bashir sat on a rock, catching his breath. "Don't yell at me. We're alive, aren't we? We can stay here until Kira and Dax come to rescue us," he rationalized.

"And if they don't find us?" O'Brien reminded him.

"Then it looks like we'll get to know each other very well," Bashir mumbled.

\---

"What the hell ... " Riker muttered, staring at the viewscreen. A Constitution class starship had appeared in front of them from out of nowhere.

Picard straightened his uniform top, then turned back to Worf. "Can you identify the ship, Mr. Worf?"

Worf snarled at his readouts. "Registry claims it is the Enterprise," he stated.

"That looks nothing like us," Picard complained. "We're a much prettier ship. Look at those bulky nacelles! And that hull..."

"Captain, is it the  _original_ Enterprise, NCC 1701," Worf explained.

"Oooh, the famous one lead by the famous Captain," Riker said mockingly.

"Hush, Number One. Deanna, can you sense anything from the ship? Deanna?" Picard looked to Deanna, who was gagging.

"Oh, ick. Captain, that ship is full of the most vile, disgusting, womanizing superegos I've ever encountered," she spat out, holding her stomach.

"Even worse than me?" Riker asked with a bit of jealousy.

Deanna shot him a look. "They make you look like a choir boy."

Riker grinned. "Then let's introduce ourselves, shall we?"

\---

"Captain, I'm picking up a signal from a Federation ship," Uhura shouted over the laughter.

"What? Out here?" Kirk stopped laughing, his eyes narrowed suspiciously. "What does their ship's registry say, Spock?" he asked under his breath.

"NCC-1701-D, Captain. It is the Enterprise," Spock declared.

"The...Enterprise? D? Then that means... "

"Yes, Captain. We have traveled into the future, to approximately the 24th Century." Spock glanced down at a blinking light. "Federation beacons have just proved my hypothesis. We are indeed in the 24th Century, Stardate 48678.9"

"Wonderful. Put it on viewscreen," Kirk ordered.

Uhura sighed. "Yes sir." A man in a strange uniform appeared.

"I am Captain Jean-Luc Picard," the man announced in a French-faintly-British accent. "Welcome to the 24th Century, Captain Kirk," Picard graciously greeted them.

Kirk was speechless, perhaps for the first time in his life. He stood gaping, looking like a fish out of water, until Spock smoothly took over. "Thank you, Captain Picard. Do your sensors indicate where we came from?" he asked.

Picard turned to Data. "Mr. Data, is there any information on where this other ship came from?"

"It was one of the first Constitution class ships built at..." Data began.

"Yes, yes, but where did it  _just_ come from?" Picard asked impatiently.

Data turned to look at his Captain with a quizzical look, hard for an android to do. "It appeared from a rift in the space-time continuum, just as I predicted, Captain."

"What happened to the Maquis ships?" Riker asked, stepping next to Data and Picard.

Data touched the console. "I'm hankerin' when they saw that thar other ship appear, they high-tailed it outta here," he drawled in a Texan accent. Picard and Riker eyed him. Data cleared his throat. "I mean...They are not within sensor range."

Captain Picard turned back to the Vulcan on the viewscreen. "Our sensors show you appeared through a rift in the space-time continuum. Do your readings concur?"

Spock shook his head. "I'm afraid most of our sensors are non-functional. But that would be my hypothesis as well, Captain. I will get to work on this problem as soon as possible. Spock out."

"Well, that's a fine how-do," Picard muttered, moping back to his chair.

\---

"Lieutenant, Major, am I glad to see you," O'Brien declared as Dax and Kira approached.

"Chief, what happened to Julian?" Dax exclaimed as she bent to his inert form.

"Ah, well, he...hit his head. Yeah, that's it. He hit his head on a tree branch. Just swung right up and belted him," he replied, a twinkle in his eye.

"Such a shame," Kira said, trying to hold back a smile.

\---

Kirk finally regained his voice. "Spock, it's all true? My God, what have I done?"

Spock let out a small sigh. "Captain, I am currently working on a solution to our current dilemma. We have restored minimal sensors. They are showing four humanoid lifesigns on the planet."

"Really?" Kirk asked, rubbing his chin. "Patch a channel down to them."

\---

"USS Enterprise to people on the planet below. Can you read me?" The sudden noise from their commbadges startled them.

"Enterprise, this is Lieutenant Dax from Deep Space Nine. We're stranded down here. Could you beam up four?" she said.

"Acknowledged."

Dax and O'Brien held Bashir between them and waited for the shimmer of the transporters.

\---

"Did we get them?" Kirk whispered, walking casually over to Spock.

"Yes, Captain. The four individuals from the planet are in transporter room two," Spock said. "However, may I point out the illogical reasoning in taking this century's Federation officers hostage?" he inquired.

Kirk rolled his eyes. "Spock, Spock, they can give us more information about weapons, warp engines, technology, women's clothing ... "

Chekov interrupted him, "Sir, vone of the passengers is injured. Doctor McCoy is asking permission to take him to sickbay."

"Fine, fine," Kirk waved at him. "I'm going down there to greet our guests," he announced, stepping into the turbolift once more.

\---

Dax and O'Brien carried Bashir to sickbay, where Doctor McCoy started scanning him. "This man is out cold. What in blazes could have done that?"

O'Brien grinned. "Uh, a tree branch swung up and hit him."

Bones shot him a look. "Uh-huh. I've heard that one before. Let's just wake him up and see what he says about that," he said, reaching for a hypo.

Kira grabbed his hand, stopping him. "Do you  _have_ to do that, Doctor?" she asked, smiling sweetly.

Bones swallowed hard. "No, I don't suppose I have to right away. He has a slight concussion, probably from hitting the ground so hard," he improvised.

Kira and O'Brien shared a grin. "Thanks, Doctor... ?" Kira inquired.

"McCoy. My friends call me Bones," Bones smiled, taking her hand in his and shaking it, holding on a little longer than necessary.

"Thank you, Bones," she said.

Dax cleared her throat. "I don't know about you, but I'm starving. Could we get something to eat, perhaps?"

Bones glanced over from Kira's mesmerizing eyes to focus on Dax. "Sure. I have an excellent replicator in my quarters..."

"Well, well, well, what  _do_ we have here?" Kirk announced, rubbing his hands together as he walked into sickbay. Bones silently groaned. "I'm James T. Kirk, Captain of this vessel. How can I help you?" he asked, leering at Kira. She shuddered, holding McCoy's hand tighter.

Dax answered him. "We were just about to get something to eat, courtesy of Doctor McCoy."

Kirk shook his head, smiling broadly. "No, no, I insist you eat with me. Ladies?" he said, offering each an arm. Kira didn't budge.

Dax looked pointedly at Kirk. "I'm sorry, but Doctor McCoy has already invited us, and we've accepted. Mr. O'Brien, would you care to join us?" Dax asked, fixing him with her gaze.

He nodded. "This way, Dax," he offered his arm. She took it gratefully, and with Kira on Bones' arm, they walked out of sickbay.

Bashir chuckled from the biobed. "Wha--?" Kirk looked around, and saw Bashir for the first time. "And who are you?" he asked, miffed that Bones had gotten to the women first.

The nurse helped Bashir sit up, holding his hand longer than necessary. He flashed her a charming smile, then turned his attention to Kirk. "Doctor Julian Bashir. And if you expect to get  _anywhere_ with  _either_ of them, you're crazy," he chuckled again.

"And what would you know about it?" he whined in his best, 'I'm the Captain and I'm annoyed at not getting what I want' voice.

Bashir swung off the biobed. "Because I've been trying with Dax for over two years now. She's a cold fish. But as for Major Kira ... " he broke off, his eyes lighting up.

"Major Kira? She's the one with the ... " Kirk pointed to his nose.

Bashir nodded. "She's a Bajoran. Hot-headed, strong-willed, and beautiful," he said with a wistful tone.

Kirk's eyes twinkled. "Mad, bad and dangerous to know? That's never stopped me before. Let me buy you a drink and you can tell me more about Major Kira," he said, clapping his arm around the young doctor's shoulders and walking out of sickbay.

\---

"I'm positive, Captain. Sensors were showing four humanoids on the planet, then they disappeared. A transporter trace shows they were beamed up to the other Enterprise," Riker told the Captain in his ready room.

Picard sipped his tea, Earl Grey, hot. "If they have taken them, it may be necessary to have a little chat with our visitors from another time," he mused. He set the teacup down and stood up. "Number One, prepare an away team. We're going spying."

\---

"Oh, mmm," Dax murmured. She was sipping a Sumerian Sunset, courtesy of Bones. Kira and O'Brien were enjoying their meal, and McCoy was watching his guests with faint amusement.

"I take it you like it," Bones asked Dax, indicating the Tholian chocolate.

She nodded. "This is better than any replicator on DS9 can make," she complimented him, taking another bite.

Kira chuckled. "Too bad your replicators can't make hasprit. It's a wonderful dish. But this ... what was this again?"

Bones raised his eyebrows, his eyes twinkling. "Gumbo. Made from my own recipe," he declared proudly.

"Oh? You're from Earth?" O'Brien interjected, tossing back the last of the Irish whiskey.

"Yep. Georgia. A born and bred southern gentlemen," Bones drawled in a thick accent.

"Ah, I'm from Dublin myself. Direct descendent of St. Patrick himself," O'Brien boasted.

Kira rolled her eyes at Dax. She leaned closer to Bones, whispering, "Don't pay attention to him. He gets like this when he's toasted."

"And what do  _you_ get like when you're toasted?" Bones asked, the corner of his mouth twitching in a smile.

Kira smiled and put her hand on his. "Let's find out."

O'Brien and Dax shared a look, and both rose to their feet. "Um, thanks for dinner, Bones. We'll...just be going now," Dax announced.

"Sorry you have to go. See you later," Kira tossed over her shoulder, staring deeply into Bones' blue eyes.

"Uh, yeah." Dax pulled O'Brien out the door, hearing it lock behind her. "Now where do we go?" she asked rhetorically.

"To Ten-Forward," O'Brien declared, pulling Dax in the general direction. Down several corridors and up a few more, and they found themselves totally lost.

"Where are the directors?" Dax asked, not seeing any along the walls.

"There don't appear to be any, Lieutenant," a man announced, coming closer to them. Dax spun around and silently groaned. Of all the members of the Enterprise that could have found her, it had to be...

"Commander William T. Riker. And you are Lieutenant...Dax, right?" he asked with a sly grin.

Dax sighed. "Yes, Jadzia Dax. We played a few rounds of Dabo, I recall, Commander. I believe you know my companion."

"Miles!" Riker shouted. O'Brien blinked, trying to focus on the moving figure in front of him.

"Sir! I mean, Commander Riker, it's good to see you," he slurred, sticking out a hand. Riker shook it enthusiastically.

"So, how did you get from DS9 to the original Enterprise?" Riker asked Dax.

She explained about the Enterprise calling them and beaming them up. "Two other officers are on board. Major Kira and Doctor Bashir. I know where Kira is," she diverted her eyes, "but I don't know where Julian is."

Riker quirked an eyebrow. "A missing officer? We can't have that, now can we?" her grinned lasciviously at her. She winced inside, but remained calm on the outside.

"We met Captain Kirk, but he didn't say anything about returning us to DS9," Dax said, trying to keep his mind focused on their predicament.

Riker's jaw tightened. "We'll just see about that." He went over to a box on the wall and flicked a switch. "Computer, location of Captain Kirk."

A synthetic voice replied, "Captain Kirk is in the observation lounge, deck A, section 24."

He flicked the switch back. "There's a turbolift just down the corridor. Follow me," Riker commanded, jerking his head in the general direction and taking off in long strides.

Dax called, "Commander, I could use some help here." She waited until he turned around and saw her trying to hold O'Brien up. He came to his other side and they walked him to the turbolift.

\---

"I'm sorry, I seem to be lost. I'm looking for the ... arboretum," Picard told the attractive woman he had just bumped into.

Uhura took in the man's uniform, flicking her gaze appreciatively over its snug fit. "I see. Well, you're off by about three decks. I'll show you," she said, smiling at him.

"I would be in your debt," Picard told her, and meant it. "What is your name?" he asked, falling into step beside her.

"Uhura. I'm the communications officer on board, Captain Picard," she said, her eyes twinkling. Picard stopped in the corridor, blushing slightly.

"Ah, yes, well, you're probably wondering why I'm dressed like this on your ship. Well, it's like this..." he began, but Uhura interrupted him.

"Captain, I'm assuming you are here to discover who the four humanoids were that we beamed off the planet. They were four officers from this time,  _your_ time. And I believe you want them back," she noted.

Picard shook his head in amazement. "How did you learn all this?"

She smiled. "I'm not the communications expert for nothing, you know," she said.

"If you want a transfer, I'll be happy to take you on my Enterprise," Picard offered. "But first, I'd like to find our officers."

"Thanks for the offer. I'll get back to you on that," Uhura smiled at him. "And I think you'll find at least one of your officers in sickbay. This way," she said, continuing toward the turbolift.

\---

The doors swooshed open to reveal Kirk and Bashir, both blind drunk, laughing hysterically. "And then...and then she said ... ." Bashir broke into a fit of laughter, then continued, "It'll make you _feel_ better," he howled.

Kirk grabbed his side, roaring. "I can't believe it. Rand said almost the same thing to me last week," he said, pouring the brandy, getting more on the tabletop than in his glass.

"Are we interrupting something?" Dax's amused voice asked from the doorway. She and Riker deposited O'Brien in a chair, sitting down next to the two officers.

"Dax!" Bashir cried, giving her a lopsided grin. "We were just talking about you," he hiccupped.

Kirk nodded, swaying to the left. "You really are mean to him. You were mean to me. Why are you mean?" he asked, spluttering into his glass as he started to laugh again.

"I was not mean. I was trying to be nice to your doctor. And as for you," she said, turning to Bashir, "I'm ashamed of you. Since when do you tell all about your exploits?"

Bashir sent her a pained look. "Since you won't pay attention to me. I felt Jim here," he raised his glass to him, "Should be warned about you. And I was right." He reached for the brandy and missed. He tried again, but O'Brien had found it. Bashir focused on him.

"Chief! Glad you could join us. Where's a glass?" Bashir muttered, looking around.

"Never mind. I'll just take a swig or two," O'Brien promised. He tilted the bottle back, but only a trickle ran out. "Damn," he muttered.

"Don't worry, I'll get sommore. What's your name again?" Kirk asked as he walked unsteadily to the replicator.

"Miles Edward O'Brien, direct descendent of St. Patrick," he announced proudly.

"Here, here," Bashir toasted him, draining his glass. "Where's the bottle?" he asked.

Dax shook her head at Riker. "I really hope that's synthahol, or they're going to be in bad shape," she observed. Riker agreed.

"I suggest we sober them up," he said, standing up. "Atten-TION!" he barked.

Bashir jerked his head up, standing unsteadily. O'Brien rose as well, holding onto the table. Kirk turned from the replicator, bottle in hand.

"Oh, and who are you to call attention on my ship?" he demanded, setting the bottle on the table and swaggering over to Riker.

"I am a Federation officer who is in his rights, as these men are under my command, not yours," Riker told him, glaring down into Kirk's bloodshot eyes.

Kirk seemed to sober a bit. "He doesn't belong here, does he?" he indicated Bashir.

"No. He needs to return to DS9. He's their Chief Medical Officer," Dax interjected.

"Medical ... " Kirk mumbled. "Where in the hell is Bones?"

Dax looked pointedly at the table. "He's in his quarters, resting."

Kirk focused on her. "Where is Kira?" he asked, the fire gone out of his eyes.

"She's ... around," Dax replied vaguely. "Do you think you could shake off the effects of the brandy so we could have a decent conversation?" she pleaded.

Kirk plopped down in a chair, rubbing his face. "I'm trying."

Bashir took a deep breath. "Dax, you know where Kira is." He fixed her with his eyes, staring her down. She glanced away. "She's with the Doctor, isn't she?" he asked, a little disheartened.

She sat back down, glad that at least they were trying to become sober. "Yes, she is. We'll just wait for her to...wait for her, and then we'll return to DS9. I'm assuming you're willing to take us back to DS9, Captain Kirk?" Dax inquired.

Kirk shook his head slightly, trying to clear it. "Give me a course, and I'll be happy to take you home, Lieutenant. Just don't shout," he begged.

\---

"There are no patients with our uniforms," Picard noted. "It seems as if he has been released."

Uhura stopped Nurse Chappel. "Did you see four individuals come in here, oh, about two hours ago, wearing strange uniforms?"

Chappel nodded. "Three left with Doctor McCoy. The patient, Julian, left with Captain Kirk."

Uhura's eyes went wide. "Uh-oh."

Picard immediately went on alert. "What?" Uhura smiled again. "If Captain Kirk had left with a female, then he'd be in his quarters. But since it was a man, it's a safe bet they're in the observation lounge, having a drinking party."

Picard extended his arm. "After you."

\---

"So, what do we have here?" Picard asked as the doors to the observation lounge swooshed open. His eyes widened at the sight. O'Brien, Bashir and Kirk were holding their heads, groaning. Dax was drawing her fist back, holding Riker back with her other arm.

"I just asked if your spots went all the way down," Riker protested lamely. Dax's eyes narrowed.

"Number One, what is going on?" Picard demanded. Riker whipped around, tearing away from Dax.

"Sir! I was wondering when you would find us. We've just convinced Captain Kirk here," he waved in his general direction," to take these officers back to DS9. I've contacted the Enterprise to retrieve the runabouts."

Picard looked miffed for a moment, then relaxed somewhat. "I see. I'll expect a report in an hour on board the Enterprise...our Enterprise," Picard elaborated, glaring once more at Riker before asking for beamout. Riker sighed in relief.

"Dax," Bashir muttered.

She turned to him. "What is it, Julian?"

"Get me back to DS9 ... lock me in my quarters ... anything, just don't let anyone near me. I can't stand the noise," he whispered, wincing at the sound of his own voice. Dax's deep throated laughed bounced off the walls, bringing groans from the three men at the table.

\---

"The Enterprise has successfully retrieved the two runabouts, and we are currently docked at DS9. The other Enterprise is also at DS9, and has caused quite a stir. Commander Sisko has graciously allowed us to remain here as long as we like; despite this being an unscheduled stop. He has also granted us access to the Promenade, and I have offered shore leave to a fifth of the crew at a time."

Picard saved the log and left his ready room, heading straight for Quark's.

\---

"The Enterprise has traveled into the future, into the 24th Century. I will refrain from commenting on the future, even though our contact with new species has proved most...interesting. The Commander of this space station has allowed us free reign on the Promenade, which he describes as a small town with everything one could hope for. I'm going to take him up on that dare."

Kirk clicked off the log recorder and left his quarters, checking his reflection one last time before he did so.

\---

"Julian! I was wondering where you went to," Kirk announced, coming up to the table in the Replimat.

Bashir forced a smile. "Hello, Captain. I'd like to apologize for my earlier behavior on board your ship. It was completely inexcusable ... "

Kirk interrupted him. "What are you apologizing for? Having a good time?  _Never_ apologize for that," Kirk admonished him. "Now, you were starting to tell me about Dax ... " his voice trailed off as his eyes followed an exotic looking woman. Bashir glanced up at what had caught Kirk's attention.

"A Gladamite," he said.

"Huh?" Kirk replied, turning back to Bashir with a distracted expression on his face.

Bashir sipped his tea. "The woman you were staring at. She's a Gladamite, and let me tell you, you don't want to mess with  _them_ ," he said, shaking his head slightly.

"Oh. Well, what about those Dabo girls you mentioned?" Kirk asked lustily.

Bashir smiled wryly. "Only if you have gold-pressed latinum. Quark won't accept anything else."

"Quark? Who's he?"

"He's the Ferengi who runs the bar, the gambling casinos, and the holosuites," Bashir explained with a wistful note.

Kirk's eyes lit up at a word. "Holosuites? What are those?"

One corner of Bashir's mouth lifted in a smile, and he began to explain the virtues of the 24th Century.

\---

"Beverly! What a pleasant surprise," Picard exclaimed as Doctor Crusher slinked over to his table. She smiled sweetly at him.

"Hello, Jean-Luc. I was hoping to run into you here. I have this program I'd like to try. Would you care to join me?" she asked, running the datachip along her lower lip. Picard's eyes followed it.

"It would be my honor," he said, and rose to his feet, offering his arm. She took it and together they walked upstairs to Quark's Holosuite #2.

\---

Dax was briefing Sisko on the attack, their rescue by the other Enterprise, and her unfortunate encounter with Commander Riker.

"Benjamin, you know how he is. He won't leave me alone. I've had to leave my commbadge in my quarters or he'd be here right now. I have to get him away from me," Dax pleaded.

Sisko tried not to grin. "Dax, you're over 300 years old. I would think you'd know how to deal with men-or women like Riker," he admonished. She glared at him.

"Unfortunately for Dax, Curzon was the annoying pest; but he never figured out a way to be _gone_. He was as persistent as Riker, and he never gave up," Dax moaned.

"Old man, what you need is someone to take his mind off you. Can you think of anyone else he might be interested in?" Sisko posed.

Dax thought a moment, then shook her head sadly. "No."

"Well then, we'll just have to find out a place to hide you until the Enterprise leaves," Sisko said, smiling at Dax. "Sisko to Bashir ... "

\---

A few minutes later, Dax and Sisko were beamed into the Infirmary, where Bashir was waiting for her. "Benjamin, I don't think this will work," Dax proclaimed warily. Sisko waved dismissively at her.

"What better way to make you disappear than to make you someone else?" Sisko asked, ushering her to a biobed.

"But ... Julian, you don't seriously think this will work, do you?" Dax begged Bashir, not encouraged by the instruments he was lining up.

"Jadzia, if you truly want to disappear, a mere disguise won't work. You have to alter your appearance. Now, what do you want to be?" Bashir asked as Dax resigned herself to the operation. The question startled her, and she thought a moment. Then she smiled.

"I know the perfect face... "

\---

"Chief! What are you doing?" Riker asked as he entered OPS and discovered O'Brien under the console. His head popped out at him and he smiled wearily.

"Hello Commander. I'm just retuning the RF oscillators. Nothing important. Finding everything you like?" he asked as he extracted himself from the machinery.

Riker smiled. "Almost. I'm still looking for a ray of sunshine, namely Lieutenant Dax."

O'Brien shook his head. "Haven't seen her." He checked the time. "She's usually in Quark's about now, getting ready for the Tongo party."

"Tongo?" Riker sounded surprised. "I'd like to see that. A Trill playing Tongo with a group of Ferengi. A woman no less."

O'Brien raised his eyebrows. "Dax has taken them to the cleaners more than once, Commander. She wiped Quark out two weeks ago."

Riker smiled. "Now I definitely have to see this. See you later, Chief." He walked to the turbolift and disappeared, and O'Brien went back to work.

\---

"Well, what do you think?" Dax asked, studying her new reflection. Bashir tried not to stare, but it was impossible. Sisko was in a similar state.

"Old man, you never cease to amaze me. This is perfect. Only... " Sisko began, only to be interrupted by Bashir.

"Only," Bashir smiled, "you are more beautiful now than you were before. Riker will be sure to notice you." He tried to hide his blooming smile behind his hand, but couldn't hide his twinkling eyes.

Dax sighed wearily. "You're probably right. But I don't want to do anything else to my face. I'll just hide discreetly in the background ... somewhere," she said vaguely.

Bashir and Sisko looked at one another, Bashir voicing his suggestion first. "Jadzia, since you can't go to your quarters, you could always stay in mine," he offered sincerely.

Sisko shook his head. "No, Doctor. She'll stay with me. She can do double duty, keeping an eye on Jake while hiding from Riker."

Dax shook her head, wondering at the two men. "Guys, I don't have time for this. Benjamin, your suggestion is good, but I'm afraid Riker knows my history with you, and he might stray to your quarters to talk to you. I'll stay with Julian," she announced, surprising them both.

"You will?" Bashir and Sisko chorused, blinking in astonishment at Dax. She nodded sharply.

"That's the last place Riker will think to look; he thinks I can't stand Julian. It's perfect," she reasoned, slipping off the biobed and touching her nose once more. "I just hope Riker doesn't have a thing for Bajorans," Dax said wryly as she left the two men staring after her in astonishment.

\---

"Q'pla," Worf said to the Klingon chef. He was starving, and the food from the Replicators was starting to make his stomach sour again. He needed real food, and had been elated to hear of a Klingon restaurant on the Promenade.

"Q'pla. Dod check ord," the Klingon asked. Worf put in his order for Rohct, Rogegh Blood Pie, and a Klingon Ale. He sat alone, savoring the taste of real food. A Bajoran woman came up and sat down at a table next to him. "Q'pla," she said.

Worf mumbled a reply, angered that someone had dared disturb his eating. The Bajoran watched him quietly, unnerving him. "What?" he bellowed. She smiled, surprising him.

"I'm sorry. You don't recognize me. I'm Lieutenant Dax; the Science Officer." Dax scooted closer to Worf, lowering her voice. "I'm hiding from Commander Riker. He's continuing where he left off last time he visited," she explained.

Worf grunted sympathetically. "I apologize for my fellow officer. He doesn't think half the time, and when he does, it is usually not with his head," he grinned at her. She found herself grinning back.

Neither saw Kirk until he was standing over the table, glaring down at Worf. "Just what do you think you are doing in that uniform?" he demanded.

Dax looked away, startled by Kirk's sudden outburst and afraid of being recognized. Worf, true Klingon that he was, rose to his full height and snarled, "I  _earned_ this uniform at Starfleet Academy. I understand you are from a time when you fought with my ancestors. I am not them. I am Worf, son of Moog!" he declared, his voice echoing throughout the Replimat. To their credit, very few of the denizens of DS9 paid them any attention. They were used to Klingons bellowing and blustering. Kirk was not.

"I don't care  _who_ you're the son of, you son of a... " Kirk started in again, when a hand on his arm stopped him.

"Captain, it would be best if you didn't provoke Lieutenant Worf. He has had a lot of grief in his life, and killing you would not add to that," a quiet voice warned him.

Kirk studied the woman's face and blinked. "Dax?" he whispered.

"Sshh!," she hissed urgently. "Will you quit drawing attention to yourself and just say you're sorry to Worf before he rips your head off? Julian is brilliant, but I doubt he can reattach that," she said, only half-joking.

Kirk glared once more at Worf, then lowered his eyes. "I apologize. I was not up to date on the situation. I will have this lovely woman educate me further. If you will excuse us," Kirk said, beating a hasty retreat with Dax in tow.

Worf snarled after them until they were out of earshot, then resumed eating. He hadn't had a Rogegh Blood Pie this good since his mother had visited the Enterprise.

\---

"Will you let  _go_ of me!" Dax demanded, wrenching her arm from Kirk's grasp. She halted in the middle of the Promenade, blue eyes snapping.

Kirk's eyes blazed. "Just who do you think you're talking to,  _Lieutenant_?" he asked, advancing on her yet again. "Don't you know who I am? I'm the best Captain this side of Rigel IV," his voice dropped, his leer sending a shiver down Dax's spine.

She hissed, "I don't care if you're the President of the Federation, _no one_ manhandles me," her hand shooting out and catching Kirk under his jaw, sending him sprawling across the deckplate. She brushed her hands together and walked off, leaving him staring incredulously after her.

\---

"It was fortuitous that you sustained no damage to your dilithium crystals," Data observed as he walked around Engineering in the original Enterprise.

Scotty smiled proudly. "I take good care of her, and she takes good care of me. But what manner of species are you?" he asked, taking in Data's unusual coloring. "You sound like a Vulcan, but you donna have the ears."

"I am an android, created by Doctor Noonian Soong," Data replied, tapping into the main engineering console. Scotty's hand pulling his away from the panel startled him. "What is the matter?"

Scotty looked at him in disbelief. "You want me to believe you are some walking computer? I've only seen the likes of you once, and that was Mudd's doing." He peered into the golden depths of Data's eyes. "You don't act like them, though. Where are the others?" "There are no others sir. I am the only one. My brother Lore was disassembled after he conspired with the Crystalline Entity to destroy the Enterprise," Data answered honestly.

"Oh. Lovely," Scotty breathed, releasing Data's hand.

Geordi entered carrying an interface translator. "Hey there Data. How are the dilithium crystals?" he asked as he set the interface down on the console.

"And just who are you?" Scotty demanded, wondering at the prosthesis across Geordi's eyes, but not sure if he wanted to know the answer to that one.

"Oh, sorry. Geordi La Forge, Chief Engineer of the Enterprise. Well, the other Enterprise," Geordi corrected, smiling warmly and shaking the Scot's outstretched hand.

"Ah, the Chief Engineer. I'd love to take a look around your ship, see how the old girl's holding up," Scotty said wistfully.

Both Geordi and Data shook their heads. "I'm sorry, but Captain Picard ordered that no one from your ship be allowed on board. It might disrupt the space-time continuum, and we've had enough of that," Geordi said apologetically.

Scotty sighed. "That's okay laddie. Just knowing that she'll still be around in the 24th century is enough for me," he said good-naturedly.

\---

"Sisko to Bashir."

Bashir tapped his commbadge. "Bashir here. Go ahead commander."

"Doctor, I'd like you to escort a few visiting crewmen from the original Enterprise..."

"Are they ambassadors?" Bashir asked warily, a fine tremor to his voice and hands.

Sisko bit back a grin. "No, doctor, they are just some lowly crewmen who don't know their way around the station. Just show them the main attractions, Quark's, shops, Replimat, the usual. And doctor," he added.

"Yes sir?" Bashir asked, relief pouring through him.

"Don't interrupt me again. Sisko out."

Bashir sighed. Resigning himself to a wasted afternoon, he gathered up his research and put it away until tomorrow and went to the docking ring.

\---

"Hello Doc," Kira smiled, rolling over.

"Hello yourself, Major," Bones said, kissing her.

"Mmm, I'm due back on duty," Kira whispered as she tousled his hair.

"The joys of command, eh?" Bones said sympathetically, tracing the ridges of her nose with a fingertip, sending a shiver through her pagh.

"Sometimes. Not now though," she grunted. She gave him a quick kiss before pulling on her uniform, fastening it and adopting her standard 'get out of my way' look she used for OPS.

"This was wonderful, but...it can't happen again," Kira said, biting her lower lip. She honestly didn't want to hurt him, but he was going to be gone forever in a few days.

"Isn't that my line?" Bones teased. He sat up, his head resting on the wall, glancing at her from head to toe. "Don't worry, I've lived a long time, Major. I know how it is. And I wouldn't expect anything less from a military person," he said, not a trace of regret in his voice.

Kira let out a relieved breath. "You know, you are one great guy. You should find someone on your ship," she smiled at him.

He shook his head, broad smile lighting his face. "Ooh, no, not for me. I've had enough in my life, thank you very much."

\---

"Deanna, what are you doing here? I thought you'd be on the station, shopping," Riker asked curiously as he entered the bridge on his Enterprise. Troi shook her head quickly.

"You're not getting me anywhere  _near_ those people, Will. NO one is. I'm much safer here, believe me. They are a bunch of sexist pigs!"

Riker mulled that over for about a millisecond, then shrugged. "Just because the original Enterprise crew is down there doesn't mean you have to interact with them. This is our shore leave, Deanna, take advantage of it while you can. I fully intend to," he added with a lascivious grin.

Deanna shivered. "I'm not going down there."

"They have the _best_ Tholian chocolate down in Quark's"

"Let's go."

\---

Kirk wandered out of the holosuite in a daze. Never in his life had he experienced such pleasure, such emotionally draining pleasure! "Quark, give me another hour in here," he called, watching the Ferengi's greedy little eyes light up.

"With pleasure, Captain," he bowed, slipping a clip into the slot, activating the suite for another hour. "Enjoy."

Kirk smiled. He fully intended to, as soon as he found that lovely violet-skinned woman he had seen earlier...

\---

"What do you mean, they're all full?" Dax leaned closer to the Ferengi, blue eyes narrowed dangerously. "I had one reserved for 0100, and it's 0115 now."

Quark cringed under her steely gaze, but could only shrug. "I'm sorry Lieutenant, but gold pressed latinum works better for reserving rooms than threats." He backed up against the bottles behind the bar as a Klingon in a Starfleet uniform approached Dax.

"Did you get it?" Worf inquired in his deep bass voice.

"No. The little teeglah gave it away. He's not worth it," she said as she saw Worf advancing on the Ferengi. "Come on, we can practice in the gym." She tugged on his massive arm, drawing his attention from the frightened Quark back to her.

"Very well. But I am not through with you yet, Ferengi," Worf snarled. Seeing Quark cringe satisfactorily, he allowed Dax to lead him to the gym and their bat'leth practice.

Quark stared after them, wondering why Dax looked different.

\---

"This is the Replimat, where a lot of us choose to eat," Bashir explained to the small group of original Enterprise crewmen gather around him. "Across the Promenade, we have a Klingon restaurant, Quark's bar, a Bajoran kiosk, and a few other assorted food places. Please use these to purchase anything, and have fun." Bashir nodded to the group and most of them took off in different directions. He watched them go with a sigh of relief. One of these days, he was really going to have a talk with Commander Sisko about this escorting business...

"I'm sorry, Lieutenant...?"

Bashir's head snapped around at the soft feminine voice behind him. A woman in a very short red uniform was standing directly behind him, looking at him with big brown eyes.

"Doctor. Doctor Julian Bashir," he corrected her automatically, grasping her hand warmly. "And you are...?"

"Call me Uhura, sugar."

Bashir grinned.

\---

Geordi's head swam from the conversation going on around him. Ever since Commander Spock had arrived in Engineering, he and Data had kept up a steady stream of chatter. That in itself wouldn't have bothered Geordi, but this was _way_ over his head. They had covered the ancient theologies, and were now up to current philosophies.

"I'm going back to the Enterprise to get some sleep, Data. There's really nothing else for me to do here. Scotty knows this ship better than anyone."

"Very well Geordi. I will see you in the morning, " Data said, then went back to his discussion with Mr. Spock.

Geordi shook his head and left the two of them.

\---

"Commander," Kira nodded.

"Major." Sisko couldn't help but notice that his first officer looked much more relaxed than she had in days. He carefully controlled his expression - one slip of a smile and he'd be a dead man.

"I was just going to see to our guests. Can you handle things up here?" he asked as he moved toward the turbolift.

"I'm pretty sure I can handle it, sir," Kira commented dryly, watching Sisko descend with amused eyes.

\---

"Captain, I wasn't expecting you back on the bridge so soon," Troi observed as Picard took his seat. She noted he moved a bit stiffly and tried to smother a grin.

Picard grunted as he shifted in his seat. "Well, yes, I figured I'd oversee repairs. We do have a schedule to keep," he answered gruffly.

"I see." He shot her a quick glare, and she quickly composed herself. "Very commendable sir. Setting an example for the rest of the crew," Troi covered smoothly.

Picard eyed her warily, but couldn't read her eyes. "Yes. Well, have you taken your leave yet Counselor?"

Troi smiled. "I visited Quark's, and had a bit of heaven."

\---

Bashir entered Quark's for his weekly lunch with Garak. Why on Earth the Cardassian had picked Quark's to dine at today was a mystery, but then again, Garak loved mysteries.

"Ah, my dear doctor. So glad you could make it," Garak smiled at the young man as he sat down across from him.

"I haven't missed a lunch yet, not counting those few times the station was under attack or one of us was dying," Bashir quipped, sending the Cardassian on a genuine laughing fit.

"Oh, doctor, I do so enjoy your company. What is that infernal racket?" he asked, turning in the direction of the shouting.

"It looks like another unsatisfied customer," Bashir noted dryly, hoping his services wouldn't be called on. He smiled as his mind replayed Uhura's singing...dancing...and, well. That too. _I wonder if I can call on her later_...

"I said get  _out_ of there! Your time is up! You must exit the holosuite or pay the extra latinum. You have one minute," Quark ordered, wondering where security was. The one time he needed Odo, and he was off being a plant.

The door swooshed open and Kirk stumbled out, uniform all but gone, but the widest smile this side of Rigel IV firmly in place.

"I'm sorry my good man. I can now say I've had the pleasure," he laughed lightly, patting the little Ferengi on the shoulder. He stumbled down the stairs, whistling happily the entire way.

"Ah, Doctor Bashir. Glad to see you again," Kirk wandered unsteadily toward the table with the Human and Cardassian.

"Captain," Bashir nodded politely, sending Garak an amused look.

"And who's...hey, you're a Cardassian!  _You're_ Gul Elim! You're the one who attacked my ship! My ship!!" Kirk howled, knocking Garak to the ground. Bashir jumped up, calling OPS and security.

"Kira here. Security on the way." She slapped her console. _Why on my shift_? _Why not on someone else's_? Then her face curved in an evil smile. Mind made up, she hopped into the turbolift on her way to Quark's.

\---

"All security teams report to Quark's. A massive brawl taking place. Repeat, all security teams report to the Promenade."

Picard glanced at Troi, then called Worf. "Picard to Worf." Several seconds went by without a reply.

"I believe he said something about Bat'leth practice, Captain. If he is practicing, he may be too involved to answer."

Picard nodded slowly. "Probably right. First shift security teams beam down to the Promenade immediately," he ordered.

\---

Pandemonium. Chaos. Uproar. No word could describe the scene in Quark's. Chairs were flying faster than a starship, smashing against the walls, more often smashing against some poor soul who didn't duck fast enough. Bodies were being thrown across the room with the same vigor, landing on and breaking tables, crashing to the ground. And in the middle of it all were two Starfleet officers: Captain James T. Kirk and Commander William T. Riker. Kirk had had a good reason for fighting, after all, he believed Garak had attacked his ship. But Riker was just sitting in Quark's, admiring the...assets, when he heard the fight start. And he could  _never_ resist a good brawl. So here he was now, tossing people over his shoulder, slamming bodies against each other, laughing like a maniac. Kirk was still scuffling with Garak, though Garak was doing a fairly good job of keeping Kirk off him. With a final push, Kirk went flying backwards, directly into Commander Worf, who had finally heard Captain Picard's signal and arrived to help. Picking Kirk up by his neck, he scowled into his face before tossing him over the bar, narrowly avoiding Morn, who was trying to defend himself with a barstool against a Y'nuth. Worf surveyed the scene before him. Starfleet colors, both old and new, were jumbled. He spotted a familiar tall figure in red and approached Riker, chairs and bottles flying around him, but never hitting him. Riker turned to land a punch squarely on a jaw when Worf's hand shot out and stopped it.

"Hey!" Riker cried, furious that someone had spoiled his fun. Worf glared at him; Riker glared back. Both broke into smiles and they faced away from each other, backs pressed together, and resumed the fight.

Quark finally poked his head up from behind the bar, after Kirk had landed on top of him. "OOh," he groaned, holding his head. His beady little eyes surveyed the scene and his heart dropped. The entire station was destroying his bar. There was no way he was going to make a profit from this. Unless he charged everyone for the same destruction...he fumbled for a datapadd and began adding up the charges.

Kira entered Quark's, eyes alight with anticipation. She twisted to the left to avoid a body being tossed out into the walkway. With a war-whoop, she dove for the nearest chair and began beating her way into the thick of the fight.

An hour later, a bruised Bashir was busy treating patients in the Infirmary, Bones was treating patients in his sickbay, and Crusher was treating patients in her sickbay. The crowds in each of the respective medical facilities spoke of the extent of the fight; nearly the entire station and both ships had gotten involved before security teams had been able to break it up. Garak was one of the last treated by Bashir.

"Garak. What on earth was Kirk talking about? Something about Gul Elim? Is he a relative?" Bashir asked as he ran the regenerator over the broken skin on his eyeridge.

Garak winced. "Doctor, do take care. That is a rather sensitive area."

Bashir glared at him and lowered the regenerator. "Garak, are you going to answer my question?"

Garak sighed. "I suppose an answer is forthcoming. Gul Elim was one of the great leaders in Cardassian history. Tales are told of his battles, his life. He was a great man," he whispered, his tone low in reverence.

"And of course you were proud of him," Bashir asked nonchalantly.

"Oh, of course! Who wouldn't be proud of their grandfa-" Garak stopped, shocked. "Not to say Gul Elim was any relation of mine," he added hastily.

"Oh, of course not," Bashir agreed with him, biting back a smile. "You're just a plain, simple..."

"... tailor," Garak finished with him. His smile returned full force. "Now doctor, could you please hurry? I do have customers you know."

\---

Crusher shook her head. "I can't believe you, Will. I thought you and Worf had been spending too much time together," she chided him, placing a bone regenerator on his arm, leg, and ribs.

He grunted. "I haven't had that much fun in a long time," he admitted with a devilish twinkle in his eye. "Though I could do without the bruised ribs."

"Fractured ribs. Broken ribs," Crusher corrected him, holding his arm to keep him from leaving. "Just a minute mister. You're not going anywhere until these heal."

"Have a heart, Bev," he pleaded, fixing her with his hang-dog expression. "Picard wanted to see me right away. And you know how much I hate being late for a good chewing out."

She sighed. "Leave it up to Jean-Luc to override my advice."

\---

"I am deeply ashamed of you, my chief of security. You were sent to Quark's to stop the fight, not inflame it more. You are restricted to this ship for the remainder of our stay, which I fear won't be for much longer," Picard mused absently. Setting his face once again in the 'ticked off' mode, he barked, "Dismissed."

Worf inclined his head and limped out the door, his sharp teeth bared in a smile.

\---

Kirk limped out of Sickbay, followed closely by Sulu and Chekov.

"I'm sorry Keptin, that we couldn't get to Quark's sooner. We were...busy repairing the deflector grid," Chekov apologized.

Sulu chimed in, "The repairs are quite extensive, that Cardassian ship nearly ripped the titanium plating off the hull."

Kirk waved them off, his head still pounding. "Gentlemen, I'd like to discuss this at a later time, if you don't mind. Right now, I'd just like to take a nice nap."

The two officers watched their Captain limp down the corridor, trying not to burst into laughter.

\---

"I want to know who the hell started that fight," Sisko fumed at what was left of his senior staff. Dax was at her usual place with her usual calm expression, but unusual with her Bajoran nose. O'Brien looked a bit bruised, but otherwise no worse for wear. Kira on the other hand, looked terrible. She hadn't gone to the Infirmary yet, and the bruise on her forehead was turning a nasty shade of purple. Her uniform was tattered, the right sleeve missing entirely. And she wore the smuggest grin she could muster through the pain.

Odo spoke up, shaking his head slightly. "According to Quark, which is to say, I don't necessarily believe him, Captain Kirk attacked Garak, claiming he was some sort of Gul."

Kira snorted. "If he had been a Gul, we would have known about him."

Sisko glared at her. "I'm not interested in commentary, Major. Constable, talk to Bashir. Talk to whoever you can. Find out why this happened on my station. In the meantime, I plan to have a chat with Captain Kirk and Garak."

\---

"I want him arrested," Kirk declared as soon as he stepped foot in Sisko's office and saw Garak.

Garak smiled pleasantly at him. "Captain Kirk, I assure you, I am no Cardassian Gul. I am Garak; I run the tailor shop on the Promenade."

"Don't give me that ... " Kirk made a move toward Garak, but Sisko's harsh voice stopped him.

"Captain Kirk, I will not stand for this on my station. You cannot go around assaulting citizens of this station. I want you and your crew to stay in your ship until we figure out a way to send you back home." Sisko turned to Garak. "And as for you...go make sure you still have a shop. I wouldn't be surprised if the entire Promenade is smashed to bits."

A chime at the door started them. Picard stood on the other side, along with Riker and Worf. Sisko waved them in.

"I'm sorry to intrude, Commander, but my first officer just informed me that he and Lieutenant Worf played a significant part in the...ruckus on the Promenade," Picard began formally, not noticing the glares exchanged between his security chief and the other Enterprise captain.

Sisko crossed his arms across his chest. "Oh really?" His gaze ripped through Riker, settling on Worf, who was beginning to snarl at Kirk.

"Don't start with me Klingon," Kirk hissed, his fists clenching.

"You have no honor," Worf proclaimed, taking a step toward Kirk. Riker also stepped closer behind Worf, ready to back him up.

"Lieutenant," Picard warned. His gaze flicked to his first officer. "Number One, what do you think you're doing?" he demanded.

"Doesn't concern you, Captain," Riker mumbled, keeping his eye on Kirk. Worf and Kirk were staring each other down, fists clenched in anticipation. That was enough for Sisko.

"I am NOT going to allow this on my station anymore. Every ship named Enterprise is hereby ordered to leave!" Sisko bellowed at the group gather in his office.

Picard's face was wreathed in shock and indignation, Kirk, Riker and Worf ignored him, and Garak started slinking to the door.

"I mean _now_ " Sisko growled, standing up to his full height.

That snapped everyone's attention back to him. Picard nodded once and called for beamout. After he, Worf and Riker transported away, Kirk huffed and swaggered out of the office.

Garak merely shrugged. "Just another typical day on DS9."

\---

Kirk stepped out of Sisko's office just as Bashir stepped off the turbolift to OPS. Kira had finally called for the doctor, as she didn't want to leave OPS and the entertainment the two captains and her commander provided. Besides, she thought she broke a couple of knuckles punching Riker.

"Doctor, good to see you again," Kirk smiled at him, walking with him over to Kira.

"You too, Captain," Bashir noted absently as he chucked softly at Kira as he took tricorder readings. "Major, you have a few broken ribs, your wrist is nearly shattered, a slight concussion...have a good time?" he smiled cheekily at her.

She actually smiled back. "I haven't done that in years. It felt good." She winced a bit as the regenerator began working on her broken wrist.

Kirk leaned in close to Kira, too close. "So Major, what say you and I get to know each other better. Preferably over drinks in the Replimat," he whispered in her ear, loud enough for Bashir to hear and bristle.

"Captain, I am trying to treat a patient. I'd appreciate you leaving us alone," he informed him quietly.

Kirk ignored him. "How about dinner? A nice, candlelit dinner aboard the original Enterprise?"

Kira's face remained calm, a sweet smile gracing her lips as she elbowed Kirk in the gut, sending him crashing to the floor.

"Thank you Major," Bashir noted as he continued healing her broken wrist.

"My pleasure, doctor," she smiled.

"Just what in the hell is going on out here?" Sisko bellowed, seeing Kirk rising off the floor. Bashir snuck a guilty glance at Kira, who shrugged and ignored Sisko. Dax took immediate interest in some readouts, and O'Brien ducked under his console, giving the illusion he was repairing it.

Kirk staggered to his feet. "Commander, your first officer just punched me. I demand you place her under arrest."

Kira spun on him, her face a mask of fury. "If you hadn't harassed me, I wouldn't have hit you."

Sisko stepped between them. "Captain, I thought I told you to return to your ship. If necessary, I will transport you there myself." He glared down at Kirk until he relented.

"I'll go on my own. And I'll leave knowing I'm the best lover on this station," he smirked at Bashir.

Bashir set the regenerator down on the console in front of Kira, giving her a sweet smile. He turned to Kirk with a questioning glance. "Just what do you mean by that remark?" he asked politely, folding his hands behind his back.

Kirk's smirk grew more pronounced. "Just that I've had more women on this station in a few days than you've had in your lifetime, my dear doctor," he said smugly.

Sisko bit his tongue, enjoying this too much to interrupt. O'Brien came out from his console, wondering who would throw the first punch. Dax watched the proceedings with raised eyebrows. Garak stepped out of Sisko's office, careful not to draw attention to himself.

Bashir retained his smile, his voice a sugary bath of sweetness. "That's well and good, but can you remember any of their names? What color were their eyes?" he countered.

Kirk faltered, then blurted out, "What does that matter? They're just women."

Dax coughed lightly, Kira took a deep breath, willing herself to remain calm, O'Brien guffawed, and Sisko bit back another smile. No one outdid Julian Bashir for charm.

"I see. You still hold the belief that woman are objects, something to satisfy you. Well, Captain, I've learned that women are more than mere sex objects. They are something to be treasured, enjoyed, and given pleasure to in return. Take Jadzia for example," he indicated the Trill. "I've been charming her for two years."

It was Kirk's turn to snicker. "And look where it's gotten you."

Dax rose out of her seat and walked down to stand to Bashir's left. "In Julian's quarters," she stated in the silence. She hooked her arm through his, placing a soft kiss on his cheek. To say Bashir was surprised was the understatement of the century, but he appeared calm. It was his turn for a smug smile.

Kirk gaped at the two of them, from Dax's serene face to Bashir's smug one, fuming. "Well, it's not like you've gotten anywhere with this Bajoran icecap," Kirk hooked a thumb at Kira, shooting her a disdainful glare.

Kira took an infuriated breath before catching Dax's eye. She tried to fight the laughter bubbling in her chest as she sauntered over to Bashir, stopping in front of him. She smiled at Kirk coyly. "Just because one puts up a cold front, doesn't mean she doesn't have fire," she murmured, right before her lips closed on Bashir's.

There was stunned silence from the entire OPS. O'Brien was nearly choking behind his console, doubled over with laughter. Sisko was shaking, trying desperately not to laugh. Kirk was astonished, stunned, and jealous as hell. But Bashir was the most stunned of all. Kira hadn't let him go yet. Instead, she had deepened the kiss, and proceeded to slide her hands along his chest, undoing half his uniform.

He gently pushed her hands away, gasping for breath. "Kira, not here," he whispered, staring into her half-closed eyes in shock. She smiled dreamily at him.

"Fine. Later." She turned to look at Kirk. "So, what were you saying?"

Kirk was shaking. His face was rapidly turning a deep shade of red, his fists clenched at his sides. He was so angry, so upset that he couldn't even spit, let alone talk. Turning quickly on his heel, he stomped to the turbolift and called for the docking ring. Once the lift was out of sight, everyone lost it. O'Brien and Sisko were on the floor, rolling with laughter. Dax sat down in the nearest chair, holding her sides. Kira collapsed into her chair, wiping at her teary eyes. And Bashir had fallen against the console, slowly sinking to the floor, laughing uncontrollably.

\---

"Get us out of here, I don't care where," Kirk ordered as he entered the bridge. His entire crew looked up at him, shocked.

"Keptin, what has happened?" Chekov dared to ask, quickly turning back to his station at the look Kirk shot him.

"Recall everyone from DS9, this is the voyage home," Kirk ordered, plopping down in the captain's chair.

Uhura turned to him. "Sir, we have to receive clearance from OPS before leaving," she informed him with a strange smile on her face.

Kirk swung his chair to glare at her. "Get it. But don't put it on viewscre--"

"Channel open, sir," Uhura informed him, winking at the screen. Kirk whipped back around, scowling with rage as the smug face materialized.

"This is OPS," Bashir announced, face perfectly composed. Everyone had decided that he should have the honors of seeing the original Enterprise off...especially her captain. He gave Uhura a slow, tantalizing smile. "Hello again," he mouthed.

"Permission to leave?" Kirk asked through clenched teeth.

Bashir's attention snapped back to him. "Just a moment. I have to check your docking schedule. It seems you were expected to remain here until you completed repairs. I trust everything has been fixed to your specifications?" he inquired politely. He shot a glance to Dax, who was very intent on her readouts. O'Brien and Sisko were nowhere to be found, and Kira...she was sneaking up behind Bashir.

"Just give me permission to leave," Kirk hissed, leaning forward in his chair. If looks could kill, Bashir would have been space dust.

"I'm afraid I can't do that just yet. We have strict departing procedures that have to be followed. In order to..." Bashir was saying, when Kira blew gently in his ear. He jumped.

"Um...um... Departure request approved. Hope you enjoyed your stay," he said quickly, flashing a huge grin and turning to Kira. His image disappeared.

Kirk glared around at his crew, who were doing a very bad job of hiding their smirks and giggles. They had never seen their captain outdone before, but it looked like he had met his match in Bashir.

"What is so funny?" he demanded, his gaze settling on Spock.

The Vulcan raised one pointed brow at him. "Captain, I believe the crew is experiencing merriment from your and Doctor Bashir's recent disagreement in OPS."

"And how did the crew know about that?" he asked, twirling the chair again to face Uhura.

"I patched it through to the whole ship," Uhura announced calmly.

"What?" Kirk asked, his jaw dropping in shock. "How could you? That was between me and Bashir!" he bellowed.

Uhura was not phased in the least. "I was tired of you putting Julian down. He had everything right, you know.  _He_ knows how to please a woman."

Silence fell over the bridge as all eyes turned to her. She passed an impassive glance at everyone, coming to rest on Kirk. She fixed him with "the look." "What? You think you're the only one who got any this trip? That doctor may be young, but he definitely knows how to please a woman. That other security chief too, not to mention their chief engineer. And another thing," she continued, taking the communication monitor out of her ear, "I requested a transfer to the other Enterprise. Captain Picard has already approved it." She tapped a small comm badge. "Uhura to Picard. I'm ready." She beamed out before she could fully appreciate Kirk's shocked expression.

Spock cleared his throat when Kirk didn't say anything for several minutes. "Captain, I also have a transfer request." Kirk turned fearful eyes to his Vulcan friend. "Lieutenant Commander Data would like to transfer to this vessel."

Kirk moaned. "Who is he?"

Spock calmly replied, "He is the android, Captain. He wishes to explore the time before he was created."

"You want me to approve a machine's transfer?" Kirk asked disbelievingly.

Spock raised an eyebrow. "Captain, did you not say you wished for a fully functional machine?"

Kirk sighed, rubbing the bridge of his nose with his fingertips. "Fine. Whatever. Just get us home, Spock. I don't think I like the future, after all." He slumped morosely down in his chair, and gave the order to leave.

\---

Stardate 4893.5. After returning to the area of space where we entered the future, we flooded the area with as much phaser and photon activity as we could, and it sent us back to our own time. I am happy to report that things are returning to normal for my crew. Note the transfer of Lieutenant Uhura, communications officer, and the arrival of Lieutenant Commander Data, who has taken her place."

Kirk snapped off his recorder and went to have dinner...alone.

\---

Stardate 48769.0 I am happy to report Captain Kirk and the original Enterprise have returned to their own time. We watched their return, recording it for further study. This has been a most fascinating experience. Record the officer exchanges of Lieutenant Commander Data to the other Enterprise, and Lieutenant Uhura to us. End log."

Picard slipped into bed, snuggling down closer to Beverly as she slept.

\---

Stardate 48769.9 I am extremely happy to report that both the original Enterprise and the Enterprise D have left DS9. The Prophets only know what would have happened if they had stayed another day. As it is, we have to completely refit Quark's, half the shops on the Promenade, and restock the Infirmary, due to the heavy outpouring of injured in the brawl in Quarks. It's back to business as usual. End log."

Sisko ended his log entry and sat back in his chair, listening to the quiet.

\---

Bashir entered his quarters, still wondering at that kiss Kira had given him in OPS. Surely she hadn't meant anything by it...

"Hello Julian."

Bashir glanced up, surprised at the soft voice emanating from his couch. "Um...m... what are you doing here?" he stuttered.

The woman rose to her feet and slinked across the room to stand before him. "I heard you had a thing for Bajorans," she whispered.

Bashir never got a chance to confirm or deny that statement.

But he did look incredibly happy the next day, and the day after that, and the day after that...

THE END


End file.
